Australian Big Brother 2006

Far from being the nerve-tingling multi-orgasmic television climax it was billed as, Big Brothel 2006 has quickly proven itself just as predictable and boring as 2005. It’s only been a couple of days, and I can already say I won’t be watching it on purpose anymore.

To give you an idea of how stupid these people are, one of the smartest people in the house, who happens to be a woman, was educating the other housemates about menstruation, insisting repeatedly that the average blood-loss each month was a Litre (roughly a quart, for you yanks) of blood. “yeah, so it’s no wonder it makes you cranky” she says. No doubt she’s also one of those people who is occasionally shocked when a sexual partner knows where her clitoris is.

One of the ’surprises’ leaked ahead of time, was that a gay bloke would be ‘coming out’ in the house, on national television. When I first heard this, my comment was something like “yeah, OK but unless they show his parents reacting to the news live on ParentCam - who gives a shit?”

The actual events and chatter surrounding it were in fact even more boring than I predicted. Gay people ‘coming out’ just doesn’t matter, unless you can actually see the moment when their parents’ hearts break. That is good television, this shit is just another poof engaging in self-therapy. Nobody really cares.

The only saving grace for the whole situation is that David also happens to be a country-boy, who rides horses (in a very gay way actually, as seen in his promo package). So now at the very least we get to chuckle about him being Big Brokeback Butt-Brother.

I’ve messed my seat with excitement and anticipation.

Network Ten executives expected us all to die in our lounge chairs of shock once we discovered the amazing Big Ballsup world-first. Australia can be proud to announce that we’re the first on the planet to have a mother-daughter team in the house. From now on, when I travel internationally, and someone asks me where I’m from I’ll answer “Australia, you know, where Big Brother first had…” — no I won’t.

Good for us. We managed to grow a mother-daughter cock-sucking team. What a shame it’s not a Commonwealth Games event. Instead of the ‘proud’ mothers on the outside being interviewed about their children’s bad behavior, we’ve got one in there, setting a fine example for her daughter. Awww, how sweet.

Mommy dearest looks like a crack-whore, with dry skin, colour-damaged hair and eyes that have clearly looked down the barrel of far FAR too many dirty penises. However ‘Krystal’ her daughter, stripper-name and all, is a little hottie.

At age 19 with breast implants, having reportedly posed in Ralph Magazine and now featured on Big Bitchfest with her marvelous role-model of a mother… Krystal is pretty well poised to end up with the same shining relationship history, closely followed by the same flaky skin and used-up expression.

Given this, I think it’s every single-man’s sworn duty to get her to that state as quickly as possible. After all, she has her mother’s records to break. For my part I’d bang her into a coma, or at least until she reached for a puncture kit for her new titties.

In summary, we have…

• Camilla - Knows nothing of her own biology.

• Gaelan - The dubiously straight self-proclaimed Adonis.

• David - The Big Brokeback Butt-Brother who should be called Gaelan.

• Karen - The crack-whore mother.

• Krystal - The crack-whore ‘before’ picture.

• Elise - The hyperactive super-annoying Asian chick everyone on the bus wants to punch.

• Claire - The disturbing, obsessive, moralising Fatal Attraction type, who just might kill you in your sleep if you don’t like fuzzy animals.

• Jamie - One of those fucking annoying people who laugh profusely at your stupid jokes, and over-articulate their ‘L’s.

• Michael - Your local weak-willed girlfriend who listens to women moan about their asshole boyfriends, while never quite successfully schmoozing his way into their pants.

… and nobody else of consequence.

I think this satisfies the pop-culture requirement of having a post on Brain-dead Brother. Thank you for indulging me.

You know, Big Brother would be a watchable show, if they locked all these people in a round room, with a glass cabinet in the middle containing a 20″ chef’s knife. No food, no darkness, and nothing but extremely loud Barry Manilow music.